My Story

martes, agosto 31, 2004

Back to School

Monday was the day to return to school. The two weeks of vacation weren't enough to get over the feelings all this stuff caused me. Anyways, it's good to be back at school; I couldn't have coped with another week as boring as the one I had. However, it wasn't that great: we got homework and exam dates, which is absolutely not good. I feel kind of uneasy with the idea of seeing her again at school. I mean, I'd love to be friends with her, but something, some part of me still feels wounded and needs healing.

Anyways, today it was a better day. We didn't have Spanish class because our teacher went with another class to a visit. We had a substitute teacher, which was boring, but anything would have been better than having Spanish classes. We had afternoon classes and I came home really tired. After dinner, I logged on in my messenger, and there she was. We some sort of argument because she said that I was avoiding her, that our friendship would never be the same and that things between us had rotten. Well, somehow, she was right; I just couldn't be the same after everything that happened, and I was trying to up and give myself some time to think and organize the feelings in my head. After some time, things turned into a heated discussion about who was wrong and whether I was unfair or not. I remember some time ago trying to cheer her up because she considered herself selfish and childish. I can't deny it, but I felt a bit of selfishness in her: she still wanted me as the friend I was before, but I wanted some time to think... Was she considering my feelings at all? She told me she would start to cry. She said she didn't want to talk more about this and left me with some bitter taste in my mouth.

I had dinner without much appetite; I lost it when I discussed with her. I don't know why, but for some reason I don't know, I was pulled back to her. After my meal, I rushed with my cellphone to somewhere my sister could not hear me (yes, she always tries to overhear my stuff, so I had to hide in the bathroom) and I called her. I've never been good at making conversations with people I want flow, so this phone call was like the one you would have on a walkie-talkie: I talk, then five seconds silence, then someone talked, then silence again, then...
Well, I tried to explain, but it just didn't work. I tried to detach myself from her, but she just wouldn't let me.

I had no choice. I hate knowing people suffering because of me. I sent her an SMS telling her to go online, and on the Msn I told her I would try to make things go as similar as they did before all this... Either I'm a genius, or I am the biggest fool in the world.